Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
