So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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