Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
