the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You took a bar mat shot.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
