I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
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No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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