i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
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He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
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I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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