i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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