Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
