Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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