He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
