Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
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I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
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I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
did i just pee glitter
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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