My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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