I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Randomize
