First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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