listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
