so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
