i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
