Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Randomize
