I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
