I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
