Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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