I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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