life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
