i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
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It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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