Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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