I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
its liver damage thursday
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
