oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
