I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
