I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
be right there i have to get my cape
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
