She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
