I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
