First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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