the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
