i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
