Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
