The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
