Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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