eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
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is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
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I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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