you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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