You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
