If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
That accounts for only three of the penises
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
