Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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