ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
