did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
