Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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