there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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