Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
