There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
