I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
