rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
