nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you win again, gameday.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
