Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
This house was built for laser tag.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
