it was like eating out sand paper
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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