I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I fill condoms, not promises.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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