Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
