I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
