i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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