walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
