Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
